Is it attachment or motivation?

Five years ago i had aggressive chemo for AML and was confined to one hospital room during treatment. the first round was 30 days, the second a bit longer and the last stay was 45 days. throughout each stay i longed to go outside. Morey brought me books about the high country and pictures of the great outdoors. Mom read to me from a travel book where a fellow wandered throughout Kansas on foot.

My longing became one of my motivations for getting better. (my family and art were others.) it combined with memories of the joys of hiking and camping, and my renewed desire to create art and share it.

Likewise the restrictions on fresh fruits and veggies, created a longing to be strong enough to enjoy these normal everyday pleasures.

the restrictions kept me healthy by keeping me safe from germs, fungus and viruses, but also served to deepen my appreciation of a healthy life. this longing was part of my fight, i longed for green grass between my toes more than i longed to lay peacefully in God's embrace.

i’m wondering about this longing as a positive motivation in contrast to longing which is unhealthy, little green monsters of envy, disruptive attachment. what is the difference. how do i know when my heart pulls me toward the light or toward the dark when i don’t know what direction i am facing?

according to Pema Chodron who has written some wonderful books like “the places that scare you,” the difference between positive motivation and negative attachment or desire is completely discernible by us mortal. Each of us is capable of listening to our heart. staying with the longing long enough to determine it’s true nature and weather it’s positive or negative.

when i first read this about three or four years ago i felt betrayed because i wanted a clear cut answer! but after all the work i’ve been doing getting in touch with the base of many of my obsessions, i feel that i too can tell the difference. for me one clue is listening to my body. if my jaw is tense, even a fraction, if there are butterflies in my stomach, then it’s likely a little green monster is near.

i also listen to the child’s voice in me. is she resentful? feeling cheated or deprived? or is she feeling joyful or sweet satisfaction when imagining reaching the goal?

i think i can react either way to the same situation. locked away from nature i could be an angry and resentful child counting the days, dreaming of breaking the rules. or i could be a joyful child imagining the freedom to run on the beach, reaching into physical memories of fun in the sun to create a moment of imagined pleasure. which amounts to pleasure when you are stuck in a hospital bed!

Sometimes i can even change the course of this. if i feel the physical tension, heard the resentful child and i can sit with it long enough to really acknowldge it, to feel the source, the base of fear, and sooth that by thinking how safe and loved i am now, then sometimes i can change my reaction overall.

so now when i think of being deprived fresh fruit and lightly steamed greans i think how comforting the over cook veggies of the 50s were, how comforting a baked apple can be (even if’ it’s “baked” in the microwave! while still seeing the raw food as a reward down the road for when i’m health again.

peace
kayla

imagining the future

I have not posted since the open studio, as that was the last big thing i did in my art career because of my health. I will be having a stem cell transplant, likely next month.

Imagining the future has been so hard that even considering submitting to a show would cause me to freak out. would i be available to bring in the art if i were accepted? Something else less well defined is tearing at my heart. when i got sick again, i suddenly took a look at all the activities i'd engaged in as part of marketing and entering the art world and as i looked back i felt i'd gone astray and i wanted time to think about my direction. all i wanted in the beginning was to share my work and have people appreciate it. but then so many materialistic concerns began to pull and twist till i was beating up my mind and body working too hard for a goal that had become so unclear.

Being sick has really put a damper on my ability to work. i'm too tired to manage the physical challenges of a shoot, i've only done two small ones in all these months, and i don't have the will to work on any mixed media stuff around the house.

Today something weird happened. I was talking with my girlfriend Julie who had been such an inspiration to me last winter in admiring my work and encouraging me to submit to the TV of Tomorrow show. We were talking about everything under the sun as we usually do when suddenly she was talking about my immense talent and how galleries should be representing me. She starts rattling off the names of galleries she thinks i'd do well in and how they can get prices that i don't even imagine. I was floured by the complement that she thought my work should be in galleries. I thought i had i long ways to go.

The idea of galleries representing me fills me with tingles! I've been concerned about ways in which i can share my work when i don't think i'll ever be able to hang my own show again. but if i was represented by a gallery i'd never lift finger! well ok it's not that much a cinderella story but still, ... she's got me imagining a brighter future!
thanks Julie!